My Apologies For My Self Apathy, Thank You For Your Empathy

by Alexis Marie

fighting an internal battle between life as i know it and what i once knew
searching for eternity where forever doesn’t exist
trying to penetrate the armour i spent my whole life welding
it’s not your fault i’m estranged from you
you said you’re losing me but you never had me
you said i’m losing you yet i didn’t know i had you
& please don’t blame yourself
don’t feel guilty for quitting me
i can’t tear down these walls i built to hide from you
i took your presence for granted
i didn’t realize you were there
self hate is a powerful demon
i fed into my own delusions
& i dreamed i was trying to escape a place
wherein the devil was always one step behind me
before i knew it i had isolated myself with demons
trying to convince me only the devil could show me the way out
imagery, alliteration, metaphors
a euphemism,
i isolated myself and now i’m all alone
the rays of light are fading
my shadow is fading
darkness ascending
it’s cold and quiet here
i feel hollow, i didn’t realize until everything was gone
there’s nothing here but an ever slowing heartbeat, my own
the devil is trying to claim my soul
the angels of death are waiting to devour me
a contract laid before me
i don’t dare sign away the blood inside me
when my heart stops will it be angels or demons that claim my body
or will you lay me to rest within you
would i still be hollow if i showed you
all that’s missing inside me
will you forgive me for the sins i’ve indulged in
knowing i can’t forgive myself
because i can’t feel remorse or self pity
for being indulgent in my self made destruction
& will you shed the tears that don’t fall anymore when i’m gone
don’t feel guilty, it’s okay to wait with bated breath
for the end of this
& don’t blame yourself
it’s not that you’re weak but that i broke you, without realizing
i walked this path of emotional mutilation
i didn’t know you were beside me
had i known, i’d have been ten times more ruthless
pushing you away
because now that i’ve pushed you from me
i always notice you’re no longer here
& yet loneliness, in this empty cold place,
is warm
& these violent delights have violent ends
& in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
which, as they kiss, consume
the sweetest honey
is loathsome in his own deliciousness
& in the taste confounds the appetite
& in this dark and quiet space
i hunger for something i’ve never tasted* , , ,
Copyright Marie Meyers, 2017. All Rights Reserved.
*last eight lines from Shakespeare’s Hamlet