by Alexis Marie
So, no current news for writing or anything like that. Just a quick rant I suppose.
I realize that in the past 3 years I have gone through a lot of shit. Like, if my writing pieces are any indication a lot of shit has been happening. I’ve been trying to make sense of everything that has been happening to me slowly but surely. Trying to admit it to myself and to those I love and the other people around me.
For those of you that don’t know, two years ago I was in a relationship with someone and that relationship ended last year. The person I was with I loved more than anything. Even tho we fought all the time. I was going to marry this person, and have a child with this person. I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.
But he was abusive. It didn’t start off that way, we would argue and he’d get pushy. Then he started choking me. I stayed for a while before I left and, when we had broke up I had rebounded and slept with someone from my place of work. He found out and pressured me into sex. I didn’t know sex could be so terrible. I didn’t know sexual abuse could feel that way. I went to the hospital for a rape kit, I was scared to sleep with anyone for a while, I was an unhinged mess and just two months ago tried to commit suicide.
I’m trying to regain the version of me I had lost during that two and a half year time period, but it’s not easy. Every day I’m fighting demons. I’m black and white now. Every impression is a lasting one. I don’t know how to trust anyone or how to give second changes, I’m always assuming the worst in others, and I always feel like I’m falling short of Life’s expectations. Everyone I’ve been trying to get close to has ended up lying, manipulating, or leaving. I’ve spent the last year feeling incredibly alone, with nothing to live for. I want to have a meaning to be happy, but it’s hard. I’m trying to surround myself with good vibes but it almost seems impossible. And every time I take a step forward I feel knocked down. I don’t know what to do about that but I hate it forreal. All I can do now is write my feelings and hope that writing this all down will heal me just a little. I feel broken, damaged, and no good all the time. I don’t know if it will ever go away .