Not titled.

by Alexis Marie

I’m slowly coming to a point where I’m merging all aspects of my life together. Though I know some things should be separate, I’m no longer hiding who I am. I realized this when I penned Marie Meyers and created my Twitter. No matter what I’m doing with whatever persona, I’m still me. Marie and Alexis look one-in-the-same because they are.

…it wasn’t always like this. When I was younger, I had a terrible case of identity crises. I’m adopted, and I always wondered why I was born from a parent that never wanted me. What was wrong with me? I was even named by the same woman who gave me away. So why was that name mine? What meaning did it have? Who was I, if I wasn’t Alexis? If I wasn’t Alexis, then was I not anyone?

Years have passed since then, but I still don’t know the answer. I just got better at living in the moment, hoping the present would eventually turn me into who I was meant to be; and I know I’m still a long ways off from that.

Tonight, I’m conflicted. Confliction. That should be the name of this post, but I’m not writing it to title it. I’m writing it because Marie and theWritersBlog have integrated within the very threads of my memories. Past or present, I do not exist without them.

It is January 1st, 2016. But I am conflicted. I am uncertain. I have come to realize this night, that I am powerless, and will always be powerless. I have come to realize this night, that I am weak minded, and have always been weak minded. And for the first time in a very long time, I am being forced to acknowledge that fact. I am doing so myself.

From previous posts, pieces of the way I was raised have been shown to you readers. Although I know that things could have been way worse for me, they were still experiences that were hard for me. Sometimes, personal experiences are harder for the people involved than what it should seem from the eyes of those who have experienced different things or nothing at all. With this thought engraved within me, I  am forcing myself to accept my weaknesses. 

In my life, there’s been someone I’ve really cared for. A person that I’ve loved with a lot of my heart. We’ve been through a lot, this person and myself, together.

But I’m afraid of them. There are times where I fear for my safety. I can’t help but think that things are wrong between us. Too wrong between us. Tonight, this person and I argued, and I am beginning to wonder if I can go through with another year of being in their life. I’ve always put this thought process down, because I know the answer. I know I want to care for this person, and I only wish they’d do different things. Every time I think that because they know I want this, they will try to make things different.

But tonight I thought things were getting worse again, and I wondered if I should stick around. I want to. I do. But I don’t want to be afraid when I am with them. And I am. And I realize I can no longer ignore this issue. Tonight, I am very sad.