There’s This Coil in My Chest

There’s this tight coil in my chest.
I get nauseous, and I feel as if
I can barely breathe.
I wonder if my hands are shaking.
I tell myself to focus, that everything
is going to be okay.

But there’s this dreadful, terrifying
feeling inside of me,
and it hurts.
It hurts and I hate it, I don’t want it,
and it’s because of you
I feel sick and shaky and afraid.
But I know without a shred of doubt
that I wouldn’t want it
any other way.

I know that I’d rather be terrified –
because if I’m not afraid that only means
I haven’t invested enough into this.
And it means something
– you mean something, and I don’t know
what to make of it all.

I’m walking blindly by your side,
and I can think of only one other person
that I do that for;
and then there’s you,
and I don’t know what to expect
but I’m pushing forward
in the dark,
listening to the sound of your voice,
and hoping you’re not making me lost,
or leading me to fall.

I’ve never really focused
on what it all
really means.
I never realized how much
uncertainty
can come from having such blind faith
in a single person.

It’s wonderful.
Even though my chest feels tight
and I’m fighting to breathe, I feel free.
Everything feels tens times
more real. It’s all
different.

And then I
am terrified. The kind of
irrational terrified, where I go to a friend,
crying,
and tell them I can’t handle
so much tenderness.

And then, I’m desperate.
I’m begging God,
praying with all of my heart
to be accepted by you. Praying that
you find my flaws beautiful,
praying that you can
accept the fact that I still
need a lot of time and care until I’m
truly beautiful. 

And I’ve messed up before with you,
on different occasions,
but you stayed by me, and I feel hope.
And I hope that you see
something worth staying for,
and the thought and the threat
that you don’t puts this pain
in my chest.

And I get so nauseous, and I realize
that my hands are shaking.

Then that freedom turns into a vise
and I feel trapped, and I just want
to get away from it, and I hate it. 

And I wonder how I’ll feel
when you’re gone,
and I don’t know
how to answer that
in words.
But it shatters something inside
me, and I can’t stop crying.
Something breaks,
and I’ve never been more afraid
as in that moment.

Do you understand?
I mess up,
I made mistakes,
I make mistakes,
I get tongue-tied,
I say things without thinking,
I don’t say things right,
I make assumptions,
I sometimes sound like a hypocrite,
but I try so hard not to.

Do you understand?
Because I can’t stand this terrified feeling.

I will make mistakes,
I will mess up,
but I’ll try so hard not to,
because you make me take the girl
I decided to be
and make her more.
Do you believe me?
Do you understand?

Because there’s this tightness in my chest,
I’m nauseous,
and I can’t tell if my hands are shaking.

Copyright of Marie Meyers, 2014. All rights reserved.

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