It’s Marie .
No new updates, just…checking in.
My life is falling apart, guys. I don’t know how to talk about it. I’m not good at expressing my feelings…but shit sucks right now. Life sucks. Life sucks, and then we die. So I’m waiting…for the curtain call you know. It’s not a secret, you’ve all been here since the start of this blog in 2013. You’ve seen my spirals and progressions through my writings.
I’ve been unable to properly express my emotions since 3 years ago. I’m sure you all were aware, but the sexual abuse victim I write about in poetry and elude to in free writes at times…is me. Ever since that relationship…I’ve not been the same. I see no reason to validate myself or explain myself, neither convey nor show my emotions for anything…so I don’t, and in the ways I do, I do way to much. My feelings keep getting hurt and emotionally I feel like I’m beyond what I can handle just in general…alive for laziness alone. I’m angry, I’m disrespected. I’ve brought this on me, I can’t complain about it. I won’t complain about it. I won’t respond to it. Maybe that’s the problem. I have all this pent up feeling inside me and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. I don’t know what to say anymore, so I’ve stopped saying anything but it’s festering and I’m losing my mind and grip on sobriety . . . . I don’t even know why I’m posting now, maybe to try in a desperate attempt, to reach out to anyone…..I just don’t want to do this anymore…..there’s something wrong with me and I don’t know what it is. Something is wrong and broken in my head and everything is so confusing and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired. I’m so tired. Do you hear me, God? I’m so tired. I don’t want to keep doing this. I don’t want to do this anymore. Maybe if I speak this into existence….or maybe I’m stronger than I feel and I just don’t know. I don’t know. But this is so hard for me. I need help. No one can help me; none of you, not God, nor myself? I just…I don’t even know anymore…